Monday, May 5, 2014

A long dumb personal post

I found myself in an odd situation today. Lots of things happen when you grow up, friends grow up and stop liking the same things they used to and so do you. That's not new to anyone but I guess I wasn't expecting them to change they way they did... I'm a little bit sad today, as I get sometimes when I think about what my friends are doing while I bumble through my own life. Most of my friends have gone off to college and I'm just now looking into going. They all seem "ahead" of me in life, even those who took some time off school as I did seem this way sometimes. I really shouldn't worry about it because I'm starting to really plan things out for myself anyway but it gets to me sometimes. 

I wish that I had been a better friend sometimes when I hear about things that they've gone through that have hurt them or in some other way changed them. Many of my friends smoke cigarettes and more still smoke marijuana... I don't smoke and am fairly adamant about being around that kind of stuff. I don't care so much that they do it as long as it's not around me and they can at least pretend to be sober around me. I guess I'm really upset that they turned to this. I had to learn other ways of dealing with stress and depression and I feel cheapened by the fact people can just use this as an excuse to not be themselves. It's hard to be yourself in todays world and I completely understand that. I just wish people didn't feel that they needed to mess with chemicals in their brains with outside substances that could hurt them to feel "normal". I feel upset that I have very few friends that don't smoke and fewer still that never have. 
Has the world gotten so bad that they are afraid to be in it all the way? Have I not shown them it's ok to be them or has someone else shown them it's not? 
I already feel very alone and this just pushes my friends farther away from me. I'm so tired of seeing people I love so much getting high to be happy. I wish I could have my old friends back but it's too late now. It used to be "normal" to not smoke often but now it feels like my family and I are the only ones left. I'm so tired of being alone and it pushes a wedge between us when they can't talk to me because they know I'm not happy. 

I'm so tired of losing my friends to a plant because it's the only thing that makes them happy or lets them have a good time anymore.