Saturday, December 12, 2015

Vlogging is weird

It's also a little difficult for me. I really like the idea of using it to overcome my camera shyness but then I make a ton of videos and never post them because I don't like how I look 80% of the time? I want to be less critical but it's a lot easier said than done. I can't do a lot right now to fix what I dislike so I'm just going to have to deal with my low self esteem for a while.

I hope I can record something sometime soon since the last video I made was done almost two months ago? I had trouble editing it then I didn't have bandwidth to upload it. x.x

So I may post it with a disclaimer then upload a new video. I'm not sure yet. I feel like I should post things more though.

Becoming tired.

Rant of the day! :
I'm always tired so this title is a little misleading but recently I've been very busy and stressed and today is so slow at work that I've cleaned a few things twice. I wouldn't mind but I work at a front desk, I can't really leave and go do things. I didn't bring my computer because morning shifts are usually much busier than the evening shifts I usually work.

I don't have any problem covering shifts even if the excuse is "I need a day" but I have a problem with people calling out to get a full weekend off or when they know the shift is going to be a tough one to get covered. Today I think is one of these such instances.

I'm not bored but the time passes so slowly when your waiting to be able to do something. I could be working on my last two college projects for the semester, fixing the last thing in my financial aid, or even working on my portfolio artwork that I'll be turning in next month! I'm very stressed about getting this stuff done and I really don't have time to spend standing here because someone wanted a day off.

On top of this odd weekend it looks like I'm working Christmas morning because I'm the low man on the totem pole so to speak. I'm pretty upset by it but I didn't even bother asking for it off since I know everyone who has seniority will be expecting it off and I'd be stuck with it. I am mostly upset that my sister is very unhappy with it since she has trouble with change (so do I!) and this year is a tough one for us all to get off and that's hard for her. Working holidays sucks but its worse when you already worked a major one and need to work another.

This year has not been a great one... especially these past few months. I've been able to do some good things like getting into college, getting this job, going to AC, and seeing friends but I've missed out on so many things I've wanted to do that I'm just completely bummed out and burned up. I've definitive had better years and had better times of wrestling with my mental health. x_x

P.S. I think my head will implode if I hear this radio play another Tailor Swift song! Be done already!

Thursday, October 22, 2015


I'm so tired today. I was up at five to be at work for seven because I was too tired to get ready for work when I got home last night at midnight..... from work. I really like my job but there is a reason I needed to be part time.

now on to class and the first of the student led pieces.... They seem so enthused!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

OK so I know I just posted ponies but....

I made this to commemorate today and thought I'd share that here!

Happy Back to the Future Day!!

MLP art and my ask blog!

I mentioned it before but now I'm posting about it in particular! I run an ask blog for my two MLP FIM OC ponies.

For those of you who have no idea what any of that means I'll explain.
On tumblr there is a function to ask the blog poster a question, this has many interesting uses but a lot of artists will set up a blog for a character of theirs for users to ask the character questions. A person sends in a question and the artist draws the character answering it. This leads to character growth in ways many artists wouldn't have thought of. My particular ask blog I'm talking about has to do with original characters (OC's) I've created to live in the world created in the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic(or one very much like it).

My characers (Doodle wing the Pegasus and Icy lights the Unicorn) are described in the blog itself so I'm just going to post one of the asks I've answered so far and if you like it you can see the rest HERE. (you can read the story chronologically by clicking that in the side menu)

I draw all of the art for this in inkscape. I do use screen caps I take from the show as reference for certain shapes and such as that is my aim, I want my art an characters to look like the show as I like the style. Both characters were created and drawn by me and are owned by me.


I'm so worried about getting accepted or not to my school of choice.... I really should have a back up plan but there isn't another place for me to learn what I want. I don't think there is in my price range definitely but there might not be one at all. I really hope things go well and I'm freaking out over nothing but I really don't know what to do. It would really help if I had less of a problem with depression and anxiety.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Days off!

You really don't know how great days off are until you don't have any for a while! I like my job but this is a little bit too much with school. I'm so glad they like me enough to work with me on hours though!

I like having a little bit of time to decompress but I'll always be a little sad when I don't have time to work on things I really like. I have so many cool projects I want to do and it's tough not having the time for them all. I can't even ask for help because so many of these things are personal and can't really be done by others.

On a side note I'm really happy that my memory seems to be getting better because of school and this new job! I write everything down but I find I need my notes less and less. I hope I can continue to fix my memory issues.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Back to the rant of the day! Professors with unrealistic expectations!

Normally I have no issues with the teaching methods of my teachers, I know how I learn best and that might not always line up with their methods but I still respect how they teach. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with this one teacher though. She started the class by explaining how she understood that as community college students many of us have a lot going on outside of class and that she would be planning on that. I've deduced that she is either thinking we do very little other than school or doesn't actually care. She has since given us a project to do in groups that we need to meet outside of class, almost no homework on certain days and tons on others, and I've now had to print 11 pages of an internet article I was told to read before class and still print and bring in?

I do not have the time or money to print 11 pages of something just so you are certain I read it and actually took the online test to get to the information. I don't mind talking about my results or proving I took the test but 11 pages of stuff I've already read because you asked me to is expensive and excessive.

I don't like this class and it's because of the teacher. I like 90% of the class if not all of them but this teacher is driving me up a wall. I like her as a person but she gets too stressed out teaching and doesn't accurately understand life outside of her own.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Time management and energy use

Time management was never a thing I was good at. I found out recently that it may have to do with my depression as "losing track of time" or having a "broken internal clock" are symptoms of it. I guess I'm not entirely surprised that it is a depression issue but I hadn't ever thought about it having a cause other than my own absentmindedness. I've always had a terrible sense of the passage of time and how long I've spent doing things. I still have trouble figuring out how long something has been going or how long I've been doing something when I can't watch a clock.

Recently with school and my new job I've had so little time or energy to do things and it's frustrating. I wish I could give more to the projects I'm working on but the hours I have at home to do so are now used to sleep and detox from school and work. I want to draw and work on my own things but I either don't have the hours to devote to it or I don't have the energy to put into it.

I really hope I can switch from full time to part time because I need this to change a bit. I'm spending more time away from my home than I'm spending in it and when I am home it's to sleep, eat, and cram in homework.

I could probably work with this but I'm worried that my grades will suffer as I have less time to put into school with this job being so time absorbing.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Working away!

I've suddenly become so busy! I need to keep up with something so I'm going to try and keep this and other places updated to keep myself sane! I want to write a lot more so that's my plan.

I've started college this year and so far so good! Right now it's just part time at the community college but I hope to be headed to my school of choice next year! I'm much more busy but I think I'll be happier with this school stuff in my resume for jobs I actually want to have.

Speaking of jobs I stopped working at the discount store and print shop and I'm now full time at a hotel as the front desk person! I really like it even though it's tougher than a lot of jobs I've had before. I hope I can do well at this job and I don't overwork myself with it and school. Right now school is what is really important so if it comes to choosing I'll just have to find other work.

I've done so much since I posted here last! I need to talk all about Splatoon, costuming, UTAU stuff, and so much other cool stuff!!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Depression, how NOT to "help" a person with it.

So in the spirit of getting back into posting here I'm going to do a Runzi rant!

Today's rant is brought to you by people telling those of us who suffer from depression to "cheer up" and to "not sweat the small stuff".

The last thing someone with depression wants to hear is "cheer up" or "don't sweat it" or things like that. Don't you think if we could just cheer up and be happy we would?! It's not a simple glass half empty view it is a mental inability to FEEL happy. No one wants to feel broken and sad and upset.

I can't speak for everyone but when I'm having a "bad day" with my depression it's not just a little down or mildly upset or easily upset by things. When I've hit my depression it's not being ABLE to be happy. You CAN NOT FEEL happy and sometimes you can not feel anything at all. When you can't be happy and someone tells you to cheer up you feel so much worse because there is no reason to feel the way you do, no reason at all except your brain WILL NOT LET you. You feel like you're selfish and awful for being down all the time and feel like you've failed at being a human being because it is tiring to move or even BREATH sometimes. Depression can even hurt physically and causes constant tiredness. I could have a perfect sleep schedule, eat healthy, and only ever feel rested for short periods of time and my body aches anyway.

Telling someone to feel better has never been the cure for any illness nor will it ever be. Depression is called an invisible illness but I think that's a cop out. Depression is right in front of most people and they REFUSE to see it. They don't want to admit someone they care about could have an incurable disease and they especially don't want to when you can't see immediate, constant, symptoms you can fight. You can see scars and you can see lack of sleep or lack of will to do things a person enjoys, depression is not invisible it's simply not loud and not always deadly. Not always but it can be and has been.

If you want to help someone with depression learn about what it really is. Learn about how to help because telling someone to "just feel better" never cured cancer and it sure as hell wont cure this. Depression is a life long battle and no matter how hard you fight it you will never get rid of it. Sometimes people just need time in a quiet place with someone who cares and sometimes they need to talk, it all depends on the person. Not everyone with depression even knows what to do to help themselves but you can research it and help them.

A perfect example is one of the saddest things I've written about. Robin Williams was amazing, he lived a great life and he always seemed happy. He did everything to make people smile and his depression killed him. Someone that strong with a great life, many friends, and a supportive family was still a victim of depression. Depression doesn't discriminate and it doesn't just go away and let you be happy like you want to. You CAN NOT "just cheer up" because you are not able to. On the same hand people who have suicidal thoughts are not the same as people who are suicidal, people with depression sometimes feel indifferent to dying but wont try and kill themselves.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I'm terrible, sorry!

I want to post here more so I'll try doing that! x.x

Life has been rather interesting as of late. Zak and I moved from the one room we were renting from my parents to a small apartment like space at the front of the house where we will soon be having one of my longest friends as a room mate. I've changed jobs and will have to again very soon unfortunately.

I think the biggest news of late has been our trip to Pittsburgh to go visit Zak's parents and go to Anthrocon! We have tried a few times and had things come up preventing us from going but this year we made it! I'll be throwing together a video so I'll post it and an over view of the trip later.

I've been busy with life\stress and going from two jobs one week to full time the next to one day a week shortly after that. I really liked the second job but they lost some money and had to cut me and  few others down.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Fursuit vlogging!

Yeah I've been meaning to be online more so I'll be attempting that with vlogging! Most video's will be in suit but some will be my goofy hooman face. I have two up so far so I'll post them here too!

The first one from yesterday:

And the one from today: