Sunday, August 7, 2016

This is one of the worst years of my life.

I started off this year doing really well. I had high grades in college and sent in a great application to a college I love and want to go to, I was in a pretty great relationship of almost four years, and I was working at a job I really enjoyed. These are three very important aspects of my life. I won't say they are everything because that's not true, I have friends and family and many other great things in life no doubt, but these are very important important.

Now however, I'm going to be in another year of community college (that doesn't have the major I need) instead of the college I wanted to be going to, My relationship fell apart and has caused great stress in my life since, and to top it all off my work situation is crumbling and I'm now in a bad position. In short, the things I was proud of and were greatly important to me are gone or almost gone. A lot of people might not see this as a big problem but I have little else in my life and most of what else there is is also not going right.

I know there are worse problems in the world. I know I could be starving, dying, or in danger but I'm not. I know full well things could be much worse for me. I am aware that my life problems would be easy for some other person to deal with but that does not change where I am personally.

My life has done a complete one eighty and pulled the rug right out from under my feet. I was doing much better than I ever have in my life. It was hard and I worked hard and now it has all crashed around my feet. I've never had a relationship last four years. I've never had A's in most of my classes. I've never really enjoyed a job that wasn't temporary. I had been keeping up with friends a bit better than I usually do. I was even doing really well with my depression and anxiety issues (not perfectly mind you but better than I have previously). After all of this I feel like I'm back at square one, I have nothing and no one other than family and a few very close friends (my friends and family are the reason I am alive and I love them dearly for this). I feel completely useless and terrible because no matter how hard I try I still end up not getting anywhere. I tried harder than ever in my life and I did so well but it was all for naught as I can't even force myself out of bed before late afternoon some days. My mother who was worried about me being on birth control because of the chemicals thinks it may be time I talked to a doctor about medication for depression.

This whole blog is called Runzi's rant because I complain a lot but I still want to apologize because this whole post is just my complaining about life and it's just not the most interesting. I also never update and that's makes posts like this more irritating.

This year went from fantastic to horrid and it's not even over yet. I'm completely destroyed and I needed to vent a bit. I'm so upset I don't even have a sentence to describe how I feel and I'm pretty lost as to where to go next and what I'm doing. Everything sucks and I'm far beyond upset.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Working on vocaloid!

Sorry about that last post... I'm not doing the best with this break up even if it was mutual.

Moving on!
So I'm working on some fun vocaloid stuff! I'm really excited to get back to it since I never have time to devote to it! I should really feel ashamed of the fact I haven't made anything to show for all of this since vocaloid is a HUGE part of my life. It might seem like a small simple thing for other people but it really was a gigantic part of pointing me in the direction my life went and is going.

I'm going to make 3D models and animations for video games some day and I never would have realized how fun modeling and game art is without stumbling across Miku that one fateful day! Now it's been seven of eight years that I've had them in my life regularly. Hahaha like I said, to most people this might not make sense or might seem excessive but this is how it is and I wouldn't change that for the world.

All of that aside! I'm working on Vocaloid and UTAU stuff so hopefully I'll post that soon and I'm also back to updating my ask blog so go visit Icy and Doodles if you have time!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Lost again.

I'm so lost now. We dated for almost four years... We lived together for almost three. I don't know what to do now. I'm trying a lot of things but I don't know if any of them will work. I don't remember how to do all of this without you.

I'm so alone again.

I'm happy we can still be friends because I don't know if I could live with you hating me. I just wish I could have made you happy. I wish I could have fixed it.

You are hurting and I won't say you aren't but you have someone to go to. I can't go to anyone. I don't want them to be upset with you because it's not your fault. I don't want the blame cast on you. I want things to stay the same but they won't and no one seems to understand that blaming you and trying to make you the bad guy only hurts me more.

Stop blaming him. Stop telling me it's okay to hate him or be mad. It's not okay. I refuse to be that kind of person. I'm upset but I'm not going to blame someone else for all of this when it was my idea in the first place. All of this was my idea.

I'll stay alone because this was my idea and I'll have to live with that.