Sunday, August 7, 2016

This is one of the worst years of my life.

I started off this year doing really well. I had high grades in college and sent in a great application to a college I love and want to go to, I was in a pretty great relationship of almost four years, and I was working at a job I really enjoyed. These are three very important aspects of my life. I won't say they are everything because that's not true, I have friends and family and many other great things in life no doubt, but these are very important important.

Now however, I'm going to be in another year of community college (that doesn't have the major I need) instead of the college I wanted to be going to, My relationship fell apart and has caused great stress in my life since, and to top it all off my work situation is crumbling and I'm now in a bad position. In short, the things I was proud of and were greatly important to me are gone or almost gone. A lot of people might not see this as a big problem but I have little else in my life and most of what else there is is also not going right.

I know there are worse problems in the world. I know I could be starving, dying, or in danger but I'm not. I know full well things could be much worse for me. I am aware that my life problems would be easy for some other person to deal with but that does not change where I am personally.

My life has done a complete one eighty and pulled the rug right out from under my feet. I was doing much better than I ever have in my life. It was hard and I worked hard and now it has all crashed around my feet. I've never had a relationship last four years. I've never had A's in most of my classes. I've never really enjoyed a job that wasn't temporary. I had been keeping up with friends a bit better than I usually do. I was even doing really well with my depression and anxiety issues (not perfectly mind you but better than I have previously). After all of this I feel like I'm back at square one, I have nothing and no one other than family and a few very close friends (my friends and family are the reason I am alive and I love them dearly for this). I feel completely useless and terrible because no matter how hard I try I still end up not getting anywhere. I tried harder than ever in my life and I did so well but it was all for naught as I can't even force myself out of bed before late afternoon some days. My mother who was worried about me being on birth control because of the chemicals thinks it may be time I talked to a doctor about medication for depression.

This whole blog is called Runzi's rant because I complain a lot but I still want to apologize because this whole post is just my complaining about life and it's just not the most interesting. I also never update and that's makes posts like this more irritating.

This year went from fantastic to horrid and it's not even over yet. I'm completely destroyed and I needed to vent a bit. I'm so upset I don't even have a sentence to describe how I feel and I'm pretty lost as to where to go next and what I'm doing. Everything sucks and I'm far beyond upset.