Saturday, May 19, 2018

Arts, Phones, and Working

Today is my day off and I've spent most of it helping my boyfriend clean and get ready to host a poker night with his buddies. I have been working on some art for a friend who commissioned me but I don't want to share wips without permission so you'll have to wait to see it finished!

I'm writing this from my new phone! My last phone had a very broken screen and my boyfriend insisted that I needed to replace it before I hurt my fingers on the glass shards so here we are. I like it a lot though and while it's just different enough to throw me off a bit it works really well. I always get attached to phones and feel bad when I have to replace them but sometimes it just can't be avoided. I have a lot more room on this one though so I'll be able to have all my apps again! That includes the blogger app because I didn't have room for it for the longest time.

I'm still working at the same place and I hope I can find something else soon because by I'm really not loving the workspace. We lost a bunch of coworkers for the summer and they aren't hiring people quickly enough so we have been working a lot more and I'm still fighting with physical illness a bit so it's extra tiring. Hopefully I can change things soon!

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Sun, Finals, and Time Off.

This winter has been ridiculous and I'm so enjoying the warm weather today! I have been taking vitamin D but a friend told me it doesn't do much unless you are in the sunlight to activate it so hopefully this is the beginning of actual spring and the sun will be out more.

I'm into finals now. Today is the first and then I have almost 9 straight hours of finals tomorrow then one more the day after. I'm really relieved that most of my finals are just things I need to turn in as opposed to three hours of testing or essay writing. The only class I have a real test in is Japanese and I'm not super worried about it. Our teacher for that said it wasn't a real final but more of a review test and wasn't worth much more that any other test. I have a lot to turn in and overall it's a lot of work but its spread out over more time so I'm less stressed about it. I'm almost done with the two big projects and I only have one left after that which is set for Friday so I'll have lots of time for it.

I'm going to stay at my two shifts a week for the first week of summer vacation because I just need to have some time away from that place and not be freaking out over classes. I'm excited to take sometime off and try and make my own stuff.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

School papers and odd info regarding school policy.

I'm writing a letter to the president of my college for a class and I found out while talking to the professor of this class that they have a mandatory sexual harassment course they are required to take as an employee of the college but the racial sensitivity training is completely optional?

Having anything this important be optional is extremely detrimental to a campus. The people who would benefit most from this type of training will most certainly deem it not worth their time and not attend. The college recently had a walk out and a discussion on faculty and staff disrespecting non-white students or actually being racist outright to them. Some of this is because our campus and surrounding area is extremely white and the idea of microaggression or casual racism is just not here. This training can absolutely help mitigate this harmful nonsense but it's only offered not required.

Students should also have these kind of courses required. We have a career based requirement system each semester and these seem like important things to have on that list but they are lacking severely. I don't think kids need six different financing classes instead of training on how to deal with other employees in the places they will be working. If you want to change how the working world works then train those entering into it on why it's completely unhelpful to be awful to other employees.

The people going to the optional sensitivity training already care and want to make a difference but if we are all working with different basic info we are going to have issues.

Friday, April 20, 2018

I'm so close to vacation!

I've been exhausted lately. I've been working my butt off to get everything done and still have time for my boyfriend and work. There's a lot going on and I really hope I can keep it together long enough to make it out of this semester with pretty nice grades. These are some of the best grades I've ever had and I really don't want to lose them so close to the end but the last couple weeks have been killing me.

You know... I've been trying to say that less since we lost a young boy in a major connected to mine this year to suicide. I'm super used to making a joke of death and morbid things because my whole family has dealt with death this way. I'm trying to use this humor less because I'm becoming aware of how others feel about it but it's a very old habit and I'm having a hard time breaking it.

I'm feeling pretty down lately but I think I'm mostly just burnt out and overrun with work. This summer will hopefully bring my creativity back and help me recoup but I'll definitely have to switch jobs. This job has no respect for me as a person or as a worker and I'm already too old for that. If you are a manager then respect that your employees may have a lot more going on then they are willing to talk about and respecting them and the work they do will go a very long way.

Friday, April 6, 2018



Okay time for some background information! I am 23 years old. I was 3 when the original Spyro The Dragon came out and I was 3 when I played Spyro for the first time and it was the first video game I ever played. My mother LOVES dragons and she also liked playing video games(usually with my dad). She was ecstatic to play this game and it's been her favorite for years. When I was small she would play it to relax and I loved watching. She helped me hold the controller and I played with her even as little as I was. Since then we've played every Spyro game to date and own nearly all of them (we aren't caught up on skylanders). Spyro has meant the world to my family and all of us would gather around and play it together nearly every summer.

I have waited for this remaster for 20 years. I've wanted this that long and I was over the moon when they remastered Crash because these two were so closely related. I saw the news of this remaster and cried. It's like seeing an old friend you were worried you'd never see again. I know there have been more recent games I've played and own nearly all of them. I love those games in their own right but they are not MY Spyro. They brought him back the best in hero's tale and there are parts of him in the trilogy with cinder and in Sklanders but they aren't my Spyro. Those are stories that use Spyro for attention and while they are great and fun stories that I loved they never really felt like Spyro to me.

I'm so incredibly excited to see MY Spyro back and remade so carefully. Listening to the devs who worked on it was inspiring and I'm so excited to see how it all works out this September. I haven't been this excited for a game in a very long time and it is renewing my desire to do what I'm doing. 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Decision Making and Jobs

I'm so on the fence about stuff and I wish I were more decisive but I know that I need time to think things through to make sure I'm making the right choices. I'd love to just jump into something but most of the time when I indulge in self interests without thinking I get bit by it fairly quickly.

In theory, I should be able to buy a computer for school and then have the reimbursement added to my student loans but it's a bit more complicated than that and I'm not sure how well that would actually work. I also may be able to just outright buy my own computer but that could put me in a place where I don't have much of a savings anymore and I might be able to keep saving if I don't spend money now. I could forgo the computer but then I have to buy an external hard drive or something similar which is only going to work short term and doesn't solve all of the issues that come with trying to work solely on a surface pro to do 3D modeling in maya and still run art programs.

I'm having a rough time and it's frustrating to know that there isn't much that can be done about it. I just have to keep going and try to make it better where I can. I know there are a lot of people that want to help but I'm literally too tried to deal with them and my issue is a lack of time and energy already. Who do you go to for help when the issues have to do with the whole world moving too fast for you?

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Just Exhausted....

I wish I had a better way to put it. I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of barely making enough money for bills, I'm tired of not having enough time to do everything that needs to get done, I'm tired of my own body working to make my life harder. I'm so tired. I'm not suicidal like I used to be many years ago but god when does it get better? When does life stop being a constant struggle every waking minute? When will I have time to do nothing without knowing I'm supposed to be doing something? I want nothing more than what others are given. I want to JUST go to school but I can't afford to not be working. It's no surprise to me that a lot of poor folks can't go to college because I'm dying here and it shows in my work. I was really hoping that this spring break would give me an actual break. I was hoping to recharge and be excited about school going forward but I'm not. I'm just more tired and pissed off.

I'm extra pissed at the conversations I know I'm going to have when school starts. We're going to be asked about how our break went and I get to listen to a bunch of kids who have never had a job talk about how they went to some far away place to relax with their family while I was stuck a half hour away from my crying in my car because I was afraid of losing my job because there was too much snow for me to get to it. I live near my family and still can't see them. I'm so tired of listening to people who have NEVER had to deal with this stuff tell me how hard school is. I KNOW everyone is different and I KNOW I don't know everything that's happening in their lives but I also know from how they speak of things that they have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes. I know they have never had to deal with what I'm going through right now.

All I wanted from this week was some peace and EVERYTHING has stopped that from happening. I'm so tired of everything falling apart around me when I'm working my butt off to keep it together. I want so badly to be excited for school and to be excited about what I'm learning but I'm going to be in debt for my whole life because I'm completely incapable of saving even a 100$. The last nice thing I was able to buy for myself was my 3DS and that was on sale, used and almost two years ago. How am I constantly working, not buying anything, and still barely making enough money for rent??? I need to replace my computer for school but I'm not sure how to do that with no money and all of what I make going to bills. I did get my taxes back but I have never had the ability to save money and don't love the idea of spending it.

I'm so tired and I just want to be able to enjoy what I do. That's it. That's why I'm going to this school that's why I'm still working this awful job now so I won't have to later. I keep telling myself this but it sucks so much to feel this behind.... I'm older than almost every senior.... I know I shouldn't be upset about that because everyone has to go at their own pace but it sucks to see people who are all younger than you doing so much better than you after being told you are always too slow... There's so much telling me to just give up but I don't have anywhere else to go.....

Friday, March 2, 2018

Feeling cramped!

I'm feeling very cramped with my current computer set up. I have almost all of the programs I need on my surface pro but that means I'm moving things around a lot to have enough space to work and I'm getting short on time to organize and space to put things. I'd really like to wait, save up, and build a desktop that will help me more in the long term than a cheap fix in a laptop or something simple and pre-built. We just did our taxes and it looks like I'll be getting a bit back so hopefully I'll be able to set up something that will really work in a more long term way for me. I hope I can ask a couple friends and maybe my professor from last semester for some help because I really can't figure out this computer building stuff on my own.

I heard back from the doctor the other day. I have a vitamin D deficiency which is causing the joint/muscle pain and I'm now taking a supplement for it so hopefully that makes things better! I can't even exercise to fix my knee problem that they figured out last time I was in. I tore the cartilage in my left knee the way to help it is to work on my quads which I can't do because of the vitamin D issue. It's not a fun time. I need to double check and see if the letter they sent me talks about my shoulders because they were going to test me for arthritis too.

I wonder if I should just wait and pay more bills with my taxes though. I'll be ok without doing that but it might be extra helpful to get ahead of things for a bit. We might end up paying Tae's taxes with mine though because for some reason they always seem to think he makes too much money when we can hardly live here because of the cost of living. We'll see how things go I guess!

I'd love to take commissions but I don't have a solid art style yet and that tends to be the selling feature of most artists. I'm going to try and get something figured out for this by this summer though so hopefully I'll be able to do more. I'm not a great artist but I will improve as we go so it's a matter of time I think. I think things will get a lot better soon!

Monday, February 26, 2018

A long paper and substance painter!

OKAY so four pages isn't that long in most terms. I still don't enjoy writing in this way and I don't think I ever really will. I write how they want me to and get fairly good grades on everything but I'm never really happy with my papers or feel the need to show them off or keep them. I just would rather spend my time showing a visual representation of the point I'm trying to make. That's why I'm an art major!

I've been working in this really awesome program called Substance Painter for school! It actually paints the textures and UV's directly onto the 3D model! I think it's really interesting and works pretty well! I'm impressed by it and I know it's super common for industry folks but I'm new to most of this and I like it a lot. So this is the model:

Yes it's a hammer! Like I said it was a class assignment so not anything I'm particularly interested in but a good thing to work on to understand the process and tools! I'm not going to say this is my best work ever but I think it's a great start and I'm excited to keep going.

I'll be doing a few tutorial type things about what I've learned because I think it's soooo important! I really feel like I'm learning things that people had the chance to tell me but didn't and I'm going to share that!

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Life away from my boyfriend day 4 (also a Toyhouse!)

My boyfriend has been gone for four days now! The apartment is super quiet without him! I really don't like it. We text a fair amount but it's weird to be waiting for him to come home at night and know that he's not going to. I also deal with anxiety about our relationship oddly when he's away. I know it's my own issue but it's still different and hard to deal with. It's easier to deal with it during the week when I'm at school but when I'm at work it feels like these two weeks are going to last forever.

In more happy news I have a Toyhouse now! It's a really interesting place for people to organize characters they have and it's invite only right now so a friend gave me a link to sign up. If you want to see my characters Click Here! I really like the set up and they have a specific area for crediting artists which is super important!