Saturday, March 17, 2018

Decision Making and Jobs

I'm so on the fence about stuff and I wish I were more decisive but I know that I need time to think things through to make sure I'm making the right choices. I'd love to just jump into something but most of the time when I indulge in self interests without thinking I get bit by it fairly quickly.

In theory, I should be able to buy a computer for school and then have the reimbursement added to my student loans but it's a bit more complicated than that and I'm not sure how well that would actually work. I also may be able to just outright buy my own computer but that could put me in a place where I don't have much of a savings anymore and I might be able to keep saving if I don't spend money now. I could forgo the computer but then I have to buy an external hard drive or something similar which is only going to work short term and doesn't solve all of the issues that come with trying to work solely on a surface pro to do 3D modeling in maya and still run art programs.

I'm having a rough time and it's frustrating to know that there isn't much that can be done about it. I just have to keep going and try to make it better where I can. I know there are a lot of people that want to help but I'm literally too tried to deal with them and my issue is a lack of time and energy already. Who do you go to for help when the issues have to do with the whole world moving too fast for you?

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Just Exhausted....

I wish I had a better way to put it. I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of barely making enough money for bills, I'm tired of not having enough time to do everything that needs to get done, I'm tired of my own body working to make my life harder. I'm so tired. I'm not suicidal like I used to be many years ago but god when does it get better? When does life stop being a constant struggle every waking minute? When will I have time to do nothing without knowing I'm supposed to be doing something? I want nothing more than what others are given. I want to JUST go to school but I can't afford to not be working. It's no surprise to me that a lot of poor folks can't go to college because I'm dying here and it shows in my work. I was really hoping that this spring break would give me an actual break. I was hoping to recharge and be excited about school going forward but I'm not. I'm just more tired and pissed off.

I'm extra pissed at the conversations I know I'm going to have when school starts. We're going to be asked about how our break went and I get to listen to a bunch of kids who have never had a job talk about how they went to some far away place to relax with their family while I was stuck a half hour away from my crying in my car because I was afraid of losing my job because there was too much snow for me to get to it. I live near my family and still can't see them. I'm so tired of listening to people who have NEVER had to deal with this stuff tell me how hard school is. I KNOW everyone is different and I KNOW I don't know everything that's happening in their lives but I also know from how they speak of things that they have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes. I know they have never had to deal with what I'm going through right now.

All I wanted from this week was some peace and EVERYTHING has stopped that from happening. I'm so tired of everything falling apart around me when I'm working my butt off to keep it together. I want so badly to be excited for school and to be excited about what I'm learning but I'm going to be in debt for my whole life because I'm completely incapable of saving even a 100$. The last nice thing I was able to buy for myself was my 3DS and that was on sale, used and almost two years ago. How am I constantly working, not buying anything, and still barely making enough money for rent??? I need to replace my computer for school but I'm not sure how to do that with no money and all of what I make going to bills. I did get my taxes back but I have never had the ability to save money and don't love the idea of spending it.

I'm so tired and I just want to be able to enjoy what I do. That's it. That's why I'm going to this school that's why I'm still working this awful job now so I won't have to later. I keep telling myself this but it sucks so much to feel this behind.... I'm older than almost every senior.... I know I shouldn't be upset about that because everyone has to go at their own pace but it sucks to see people who are all younger than you doing so much better than you after being told you are always too slow... There's so much telling me to just give up but I don't have anywhere else to go.....

Friday, March 2, 2018

Feeling cramped!

I'm feeling very cramped with my current computer set up. I have almost all of the programs I need on my surface pro but that means I'm moving things around a lot to have enough space to work and I'm getting short on time to organize and space to put things. I'd really like to wait, save up, and build a desktop that will help me more in the long term than a cheap fix in a laptop or something simple and pre-built. We just did our taxes and it looks like I'll be getting a bit back so hopefully I'll be able to set up something that will really work in a more long term way for me. I hope I can ask a couple friends and maybe my professor from last semester for some help because I really can't figure out this computer building stuff on my own.

I heard back from the doctor the other day. I have a vitamin D deficiency which is causing the joint/muscle pain and I'm now taking a supplement for it so hopefully that makes things better! I can't even exercise to fix my knee problem that they figured out last time I was in. I tore the cartilage in my left knee the way to help it is to work on my quads which I can't do because of the vitamin D issue. It's not a fun time. I need to double check and see if the letter they sent me talks about my shoulders because they were going to test me for arthritis too.

I wonder if I should just wait and pay more bills with my taxes though. I'll be ok without doing that but it might be extra helpful to get ahead of things for a bit. We might end up paying Tae's taxes with mine though because for some reason they always seem to think he makes too much money when we can hardly live here because of the cost of living. We'll see how things go I guess!

I'd love to take commissions but I don't have a solid art style yet and that tends to be the selling feature of most artists. I'm going to try and get something figured out for this by this summer though so hopefully I'll be able to do more. I'm not a great artist but I will improve as we go so it's a matter of time I think. I think things will get a lot better soon!

Monday, February 26, 2018

A long paper and substance painter!

OKAY so four pages isn't that long in most terms. I still don't enjoy writing in this way and I don't think I ever really will. I write how they want me to and get fairly good grades on everything but I'm never really happy with my papers or feel the need to show them off or keep them. I just would rather spend my time showing a visual representation of the point I'm trying to make. That's why I'm an art major!

I've been working in this really awesome program called Substance Painter for school! It actually paints the textures and UV's directly onto the 3D model! I think it's really interesting and works pretty well! I'm impressed by it and I know it's super common for industry folks but I'm new to most of this and I like it a lot. So this is the model:

Yes it's a hammer! Like I said it was a class assignment so not anything I'm particularly interested in but a good thing to work on to understand the process and tools! I'm not going to say this is my best work ever but I think it's a great start and I'm excited to keep going.

I'll be doing a few tutorial type things about what I've learned because I think it's soooo important! I really feel like I'm learning things that people had the chance to tell me but didn't and I'm going to share that!

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Life away from my boyfriend day 4 (also a Toyhouse!)

My boyfriend has been gone for four days now! The apartment is super quiet without him! I really don't like it. We text a fair amount but it's weird to be waiting for him to come home at night and know that he's not going to. I also deal with anxiety about our relationship oddly when he's away. I know it's my own issue but it's still different and hard to deal with. It's easier to deal with it during the week when I'm at school but when I'm at work it feels like these two weeks are going to last forever.

In more happy news I have a Toyhouse now! It's a really interesting place for people to organize characters they have and it's invite only right now so a friend gave me a link to sign up. If you want to see my characters Click Here! I really like the set up and they have a specific area for crediting artists which is super important!

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Happy Birthday! (To me, Haha)

Today is my birthday! I'm pretty excited about it even though I don't really have anything planned other than hanging out with my mom for the day. I really like hanging out with her though and I miss her a lot since I moved in with my boyfriend. We'll probably go window shopping and have coffee which is nice and honestly I've actually had a mini vacation these last few days so ending it with this will be really nice. I don't really get vacations because I work a lot on my breaks from school because I can't work as much when I'm in class.

My boyfriend was super sweet and got me a Nintendo switch with Zelda for Xmas and then got me Splatoon 2 yesterday for my birthday! I love Splatoon and have been drooling over the switch and Zelda for a little while so I'm super happy. Zelda is one of those games that I accidentally play for way longer than I planned to which is fine on a day off but Splatoon is really great for short term gaming because almost everything is timed and I know how long certain things take in it.

I also got a new 2018 planner from my Mom and I really want to use it this year. I'm a very disorganized person and I think I could figure out organization if I use the planner more. I really wish I had any idea how to plan things, I've tried many times and in many ways with little luck and I'm getting better about it slowly but I really do wish I could get my stuff together. I'm trying but I'm so disorganized.

Anyway! I hope this year brings us all what we need and that things change for the better in big ways! <3 p="">

Thursday, December 28, 2017

"First" semester coming to a close. Life is unpredictable.

This semester has been great and terrible. I've had a wonderful time with the friends I've met and I'm excited for my classes next semester. My classes so far have been pretty great overall. There were times I was super stressed but I think a large part of that was situations outside of class unfortunately. I will say going to college full time and working really sucks sometimes but would probably be easier for someone who doesn't deal with mental illness. Moving away from home during the semester was also difficult but had to be done so a lot of things that made this semester more difficult were not really school related.

There are so many things that I want to share because they're so easy and great to learn and I really wish other people would have told me how to do them. There's been a lot of discourse recently about artists not wanting to share information or sources they found but ultimately it comes down to how you feel about others. If you dislike other artists then you see them as competition instead of peers or coworkers. If you think everyone is the competition then you think giving out your sources or info will put you behind them. The truth is we all got where we are by learning from others and making everyone learn the hard way because you had to just brings us all down.

I'm going to do a bunch of tutorials. Some are going to be 3d modeling and some are going to be digital art related. I don't want to force people to go to an expensive school to do what I do. I'm not that great and these skills shouldn't be behind this huge of a pay wall. So many of the things I learned were simple stupid things I had tried asking artists about and got no answers for whatever reason.

I'm not talking about what software we use or what technique someone personally uses. I'm talking basic stuff that could really help people who are just starting and feel super lost. Very few things actually help beginners that are meant to because very basic questions are ignored or thought to be oddly personally specific. For example, canvas size. I have looked for what canvas size people use for a long time and everyone loves to just say it's up to me. I want to know how to make my stuff look less pixilated and I know it has to do with canvas size! Don't tell me to just do whatever "feels nice" when I need to know specifics! (For those of you who understand my struggles on this, I commonly use 1280 by 720 pixels with 300 dpi or pixels per inch just by the way or scale it up with the same dpi). My point being there are a LOT of silly things I just didn't know or that my classmates didn't know when I started this semester and I think they should be put out there. No one can really teach skill because it's learned with practice but technical issues should be easy to resolve.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Midway through semester 1 of video game school!

I'm over halfway through my first semester at my new college. I've said it before but I go to school for game art and animation! I'm thinking of keeping a "journal" of sorts on here just for that since it seems like something that could help others in deciding what they want to do professionally.

I'm taking a lot of degree specific classes each semester so I won't really talk about "regular" college stuff. I'm also not living on campus because I rent an apartment with my boyfriend so I don't have stories of dorms either.

This year started out with a bang! I'm in a class that is the basics of everything I need to know about the game industry. Intro to game history and development and also game art fundamentals. I'm also taking a drawing for realism class to help me out because I'm not really a great artist yet!

I really like it here and I know I've made the right choice but it will be very weird to watch the others come and go as many college students tend to do. The sophomores told me that the number of kids in our major cuts in half by the time we become sophomores. I think a lot of that has to do with kids not knowing what they want and not understanding how to live away from their parents.

I feel like my art and understanding of game making has vastly improved already which is a really great feeling. I'm not where I want to be just yet but the improvement tells me I can get there someday which is really nice. Feeling stuck and lost can really drag you down and finding things that help you feel truly accomplished in one way or another can help a lot.

Monday, August 7, 2017

New job and school starts soon!

I got a new job! It's at a bagel place that's also a cafe/ sandwich shop. I really like it so far and it pays nicely which will be nice! I'm excited to work a real job again because for the last few months I've just been cleaning the bank for an hour a day and that doesn't pay my bills.

School starts soon and I'm really looking forward to it! I hated high school a lot (except for Walden) and college has been so much better. I really can't get over the fact I'm going to school for exactly what I want to do in my life and I'll actually be learning from people currently in the industry as well. I think the experience is invaluable and I really can't believe it's actually happening to me.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Another Hatsune Miku WIP!

Yep my Miku Hatsune model got a new face and a few more details yesterday! She's still quite a ways from done but I'm feeling a lot better about things as I go on. I'm not sure how to go about some of the things I want to do but I'm sure over time I'll figure it all out. I'm excited about this so far and I hope I can get her to look how I want her to.

She is being made in Metasaquoia. Please don't repost this or use it without my permission. Thank you.