Thursday, January 25, 2018

Life away from my boyfriend day 4 (also a Toyhouse!)

My boyfriend has been gone for four days now! The apartment is super quiet without him! I really don't like it. We text a fair amount but it's weird to be waiting for him to come home at night and know that he's not going to. I also deal with anxiety about our relationship oddly when he's away. I know it's my own issue but it's still different and hard to deal with. It's easier to deal with it during the week when I'm at school but when I'm at work it feels like these two weeks are going to last forever.

In more happy news I have a Toyhouse now! It's a really interesting place for people to organize characters they have and it's invite only right now so a friend gave me a link to sign up. If you want to see my characters Click Here! I really like the set up and they have a specific area for crediting artists which is super important!

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Happy Birthday! (To me, Haha)

Today is my birthday! I'm pretty excited about it even though I don't really have anything planned other than hanging out with my mom for the day. I really like hanging out with her though and I miss her a lot since I moved in with my boyfriend. We'll probably go window shopping and have coffee which is nice and honestly I've actually had a mini vacation these last few days so ending it with this will be really nice. I don't really get vacations because I work a lot on my breaks from school because I can't work as much when I'm in class.

My boyfriend was super sweet and got me a Nintendo switch with Zelda for Xmas and then got me Splatoon 2 yesterday for my birthday! I love Splatoon and have been drooling over the switch and Zelda for a little while so I'm super happy. Zelda is one of those games that I accidentally play for way longer than I planned to which is fine on a day off but Splatoon is really great for short term gaming because almost everything is timed and I know how long certain things take in it.

I also got a new 2018 planner from my Mom and I really want to use it this year. I'm a very disorganized person and I think I could figure out organization if I use the planner more. I really wish I had any idea how to plan things, I've tried many times and in many ways with little luck and I'm getting better about it slowly but I really do wish I could get my stuff together. I'm trying but I'm so disorganized.

Anyway! I hope this year brings us all what we need and that things change for the better in big ways! <3 p="">

Thursday, December 28, 2017

"First" semester coming to a close. Life is unpredictable.

This semester has been great and terrible. I've had a wonderful time with the friends I've met and I'm excited for my classes next semester. My classes so far have been pretty great overall. There were times I was super stressed but I think a large part of that was situations outside of class unfortunately. I will say going to college full time and working really sucks sometimes but would probably be easier for someone who doesn't deal with mental illness. Moving away from home during the semester was also difficult but had to be done so a lot of things that made this semester more difficult were not really school related.

There are so many things that I want to share because they're so easy and great to learn and I really wish other people would have told me how to do them. There's been a lot of discourse recently about artists not wanting to share information or sources they found but ultimately it comes down to how you feel about others. If you dislike other artists then you see them as competition instead of peers or coworkers. If you think everyone is the competition then you think giving out your sources or info will put you behind them. The truth is we all got where we are by learning from others and making everyone learn the hard way because you had to just brings us all down.

I'm going to do a bunch of tutorials. Some are going to be 3d modeling and some are going to be digital art related. I don't want to force people to go to an expensive school to do what I do. I'm not that great and these skills shouldn't be behind this huge of a pay wall. So many of the things I learned were simple stupid things I had tried asking artists about and got no answers for whatever reason.

I'm not talking about what software we use or what technique someone personally uses. I'm talking basic stuff that could really help people who are just starting and feel super lost. Very few things actually help beginners that are meant to because very basic questions are ignored or thought to be oddly personally specific. For example, canvas size. I have looked for what canvas size people use for a long time and everyone loves to just say it's up to me. I want to know how to make my stuff look less pixilated and I know it has to do with canvas size! Don't tell me to just do whatever "feels nice" when I need to know specifics! (For those of you who understand my struggles on this, I commonly use 1280 by 720 pixels with 300 dpi or pixels per inch just by the way or scale it up with the same dpi). My point being there are a LOT of silly things I just didn't know or that my classmates didn't know when I started this semester and I think they should be put out there. No one can really teach skill because it's learned with practice but technical issues should be easy to resolve.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Midway through semester 1 of video game school!

I'm over halfway through my first semester at my new college. I've said it before but I go to school for game art and animation! I'm thinking of keeping a "journal" of sorts on here just for that since it seems like something that could help others in deciding what they want to do professionally.

I'm taking a lot of degree specific classes each semester so I won't really talk about "regular" college stuff. I'm also not living on campus because I rent an apartment with my boyfriend so I don't have stories of dorms either.

This year started out with a bang! I'm in a class that is the basics of everything I need to know about the game industry. Intro to game history and development and also game art fundamentals. I'm also taking a drawing for realism class to help me out because I'm not really a great artist yet!

I really like it here and I know I've made the right choice but it will be very weird to watch the others come and go as many college students tend to do. The sophomores told me that the number of kids in our major cuts in half by the time we become sophomores. I think a lot of that has to do with kids not knowing what they want and not understanding how to live away from their parents.

I feel like my art and understanding of game making has vastly improved already which is a really great feeling. I'm not where I want to be just yet but the improvement tells me I can get there someday which is really nice. Feeling stuck and lost can really drag you down and finding things that help you feel truly accomplished in one way or another can help a lot.

Monday, August 7, 2017

New job and school starts soon!

I got a new job! It's at a bagel place that's also a cafe/ sandwich shop. I really like it so far and it pays nicely which will be nice! I'm excited to work a real job again because for the last few months I've just been cleaning the bank for an hour a day and that doesn't pay my bills.

School starts soon and I'm really looking forward to it! I hated high school a lot (except for Walden) and college has been so much better. I really can't get over the fact I'm going to school for exactly what I want to do in my life and I'll actually be learning from people currently in the industry as well. I think the experience is invaluable and I really can't believe it's actually happening to me.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Another Hatsune Miku WIP!


Yep my Miku Hatsune model got a new face and a few more details yesterday! She's still quite a ways from done but I'm feeling a lot better about things as I go on. I'm not sure how to go about some of the things I want to do but I'm sure over time I'll figure it all out. I'm excited about this so far and I hope I can get her to look how I want her to.

She is being made in Metasaquoia. Please don't repost this or use it without my permission. Thank you.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Let's talk a bit about relationships and mental health.

This is going to be a post about relationships between myself and my friends and also mental and emotional health so if your here for the other stuff I post feel free to skip this! I will say quickly that knowing and learning about these things is helpful so it might be worth the read for you anyway.

I have these two friends who I love a lot but have been giving me a hard time lately. I've known both of them for a long time and while I'm upset with them I understand them enough to gauge the situation well I think. So they are both in odd places in their lives and increasingly using me as an escape from their issues with little regard to my own plans and life. I have increasingly less time for my personal projects and everyday life chores because these two friends suddenly need me every day for some off thing or another and I only have so much time before I start school full time and have even less time for my own stuff. I will be leaving out names because some of this is very personal. If either of my friends I am talking about read this I want you to know I love you and I'm just writing to clear my head. I will bring up these things to you personally if they become too much for me but for right now I just need this to gauge where we are and where I am.

We'll start with friend "A" who has just recently graduated from her dream art school and doesn't quite know what she wants to do now. She had been in an on and off "not relationship" with a guy she knows from a previous summer job but just recently decided to stop being hung up on him and move on with her own life. This is very good for her and I'm super proud of her for accepting that he was using her and never really wanted a relationship and choosing her own mental and emotional health over his (which she probably couldn't "fix" and would have made her miserable). I am SO proud of her for this and I am happy that she's sending less time with a group of friends who were quite bad for her health and well being in general.

This leads to a different issue though. I love her very much but I am now the person she goes to with everything and while I desperately want to be there to help her I know, after much hardship of my own, just how far I can stretch my mental health before I'm hurting myself. She doesn't know how much time I spend learning things because art come naturally to her. She has a hard time understanding that I just need time alone sometimes recently. She wants companionship more often than I can give it to her. I hope that I do help her when I can though.I have been tough with her on issues I think are harmful to her but I hope in a way that shows her I'm not going to let her hurt herself or lie to herself about things. She's been given a lot in her life so she has trouble figuring out what things she should be fighting for and what things to let go of and move on from. She's gotten much better about things recently and I think she's really starting to understand the "real world" from her college life. She's also been my close friend long enough to understand when I need to go out and get away and when I need a nice day in watching movies most of the time which I really appreciate. The issues I have with her are actually mostly exasperation because she's very skilled in art and has never had to really try her hardest to get what she wants or needs so she doesn't know how to market herself or push for something now that she's in a world of a bit more competition. I want to see her live her dreams but she gets worried when it doesn't come easily.

Now friend "B" is a very different story. She's recently left a long term abusive relationship that left her with much trauma and two wonderful babies under two years old. There is an entire book I could write on what happened but I'm not going to tell a story that isn't mine. I'm going to start with how proud I am of her for leaving someone who she had loved who had turned abusive. This is not an easy task. Abusive relationships seem like something you should just immediately see and get out of but it is almost NEVER that simple. I'm so happy that things in her life seem to be getting much better and even though her family is not the best place for her to be either it's at least a little bit safer physically for her and her kids. She's been through a LOT in her life and I really hope things just keep getting better for her. Her kids are great and healthy, she has a well enough paying job at the moment, and she has a lot of support from friends and family.

I'm going to address issues we have in our friendship and a few issues friend "B" has. "B" has a lot of issues mentally and emotionally from her life, she's gone to get help before and hopes to do so again soon which is phenomenal and I am so proud of her for this too. These issues are being addressed by her which is extremely important and a huge step for her to take in her own well being. That doesn't mean she's instantly cured or that these issues do not effect her relationships with others. This coupled with my own issues leads us to some interesting fights and talks in our relationship. Recently we've had issues because she doesn't understand my time management and she has trouble with putting herself in other peoples shoes. She's had to look out for herself for quite a while now and this seems to have caused her to become more self centered.

Much of our arguments recently stem from a misunderstanding of my time and how it should be used. I don't have a great job right now and I don't work much per week at it. To "B" this means I have a ton of free time not spent doing anything because her very limited free time is spent on more relaxing indulgent ventures than mine. My "free time" isn't actually free time most days. I spend hours of my day working on art and modeling because it's not only what I like to do but also what I plan on doing for a career. I'm happy to be doing it but it's also very important for my life. The issue arises when I don't have time to give to her that she sees as time I'm not using. An example that comes up quite often is babysitting. She'll assume I'm free and ask me to babysit, I'll tell her no I can't because I have stuff to do, She'll then get upset that I have all of this free time (the time I'm using for household chores or portfolio work) and can't help her out and give her some time away from the kids. I don't mind helping her out once in a while or when a sitter cancels on her last minute but I don't have kids and I don't have the mental and emotional strength to watch them a lot. They are adorable and I love them but they are exhausting and I can't do that right now. I just can't do it. "B" uses manipulation tactics to try and get what she wants or needs, I don't think these are conscious decisions most of the time but survival methods she's had to employ or has just grown up with. While I understand why she uses them that doesn't make them healthy or okay to use. She recently got upset with me because I couldn't make time for her last minute to watch her kids. She wanted to go to a party which I can understand because being a single Mom is super hard and you need to take time for yourself. This being said she values my time so little that she just assumed I had nothing going on and could watch the kids on a few hours notice. I told her no and she got upset siting the promise I made to help her. When I continued to tell her I couldn't and that the notice was too short she resorted to trying to make me feel worse about my life and telling me how I was a bad friend for not rescuing her from her abuser. This wasn't only false because I had tried to help her get out of said relationship many times and had spent a lot of time helping her (I was a stirrup for her when she had her first baby) but was meant to make me feel sorry and do what she wants. I can unfortunately recognize this kind of manipulation from past experiences with others.

I love my friend a lot and I want to help her but I am not a therapist or psychiatrist, I just don't know how to help her. I don't know how to explain this stuff to her. She's not a bad person in any way and when you're in trouble she's always there to try and help but what do you do when they do hurtful harmful things without understanding it? How do you explain to a person what they are doing is hurtful when that has always been justified for them? How do you show someone the good things in their life and tell them to get it together?

This was much longer than I thought it was going to be! I just meant to make a quick post but apparently I needed to write it all out to make sense of it. I apologize if it rambles or is difficult to read! Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Okami Amaterasu



I adore this game. Okami is a huge part of my life and I loved every second of playing it for the hours and hours days I have played it. I really wanted to do more fan art partially to expand my audience and mostly because I want to show my love for the wonderful games, shows, and other stuff I enjoy!

I did this piece in Krita with a digital brush that I slightly modified and some airbrushing. The sun and scenery probably took the longest because I draw canine shapes all of the time. I'm pretty proud of this one. It's not perfect and if/ when I do more things like this I think there are a few changes I'd make but overall I'm super happy with it.

New Miku model wip!



I'm working on a Miku 3D model! Surprise! :D It's not going to be perfect by any means because I'm super new to modeling from scratch but I'm excited for it. I think I'm doing alright for a beginner. :) Eventually I hope to have her in MMD but I'm not sure.

I'm making her in metasequoia and I used pictures of  ISAO Miku and the Miku in the "Miku Miku ni shite ageru" video for proportion reference.

I'm really excited to have gotten this far and I hope I can figure out the rest of it before I start school in the fall because I don't think I'll have a ton of time for side projects with five classes. I really hope I can get her to look how I want but as long as she looks like Miku I think I'll be happy.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Fan art and college stuff!

I got my class schedule for the fall! I'm so excited and a bit worried but that's not really new for me, I tend to be a worry-wart. I'm taking some interesting classes for my first semester in this college. I'm probably the most excited about the classes directly related to video game design but that's a given. I'm really impressed that they have a history class for game development. It seems like a given but I just hadn't thought about it until I saw it in the curriculum. I'm not super sure how the other classes will go but I'm really looking forward to my art and game design related classes.

On a more summer related note I'm working on some projects to improve my art! Right now I'm drawing a few fan art type drawings which are fun and I think they'll be well received!